So here I am.
Now what?
Married to the woman of my dreams, literally. Family as beautiful as any one might wish for. A home in a place other than the place I grew up, miles away, in another state. And where am I? This question is tearing at me. I longed for this for so long and, now, I've got it. Part of me is ecstatic, happy beyond my wildest dreams but....
I sit here, wanting. Hoping. Dreaming. Wandering in my thoughts of a place fast from here. I want to go. Far away, to a place of solitude. Alone in thought. Meditate, answering the great many questions of this existence. I want to relinquish all the physical possessions I've obtained. Give up everything. No car, no computer, no clothing, no home, no...stuff. Just me and my thought. I wish to be in a far away land, Tibet, China, Japan, in a mountain, a grove, a forest, a void. Far away from any other persons or things. A place free from worry, temptation, belongings, wants, desires. Free to live or die as nature dictates. I want enlightenment, awakening, transcendence. I want freedom....
But how does one give up everything for nothing without hurting all who put their lives, their love, their trust, their faith in ones hands? Do I simply leave in the dead of night never to be heard from again? Absurd. There is no way out without insurmountable amount of pain. My wish is not to leave, hurting all I love, simply to go. Go to find answers. To find the reason. To heal all and help all. To be free from the bounds of common society. Free from mundane works. Free from what must be because society dictates so. I want to truly be FREE.
So why is freedom so very unobtainable? Why can happiness never truly be? Why, having all one wants, can nothing ever be enough? Why must there be unanswered questions?
In the end, nothing done in this life amounts to anything, so why do anything? We live life, all for the hope of happiness and status. Searching for worth to those around us. We seek a path of success. To obtain wealth and fame on any level. But why? To be remembered in history? Who cares? In death we shall never know of such historical fame. And if our success comes in our life time, we cannot, in death, take this fame and riches, with us. So then why? Why do we seek such pointless ends? I cannot live each day as all others with questions so pressing at my forethought. I wish to be free from it all. If death be the only freedom from this pointless means of being then death is my wish. I just can't take this as it is. Words are meaningless. Wants are meaningless. Life is meaningless. The empty pursuits in life are most meaningless of all. We are only here until we are not here and at that end we leave with only that which w were born with: NOTHING.
